im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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