So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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