There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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