turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
