had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
