I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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