i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
