Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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