I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
