I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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