I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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