I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
