But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize