Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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