I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
