I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
