My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
