If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
