Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
