my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
