Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
