the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
