If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
