My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
