Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
