remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize