who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
