Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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