i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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