Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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