Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ttyl tear gas
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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