ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
