Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
