Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just found a bag of teeth...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Two words: nipple clamps
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