If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
