I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I need moral support for this bender
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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