i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
