I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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