That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
