how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
