My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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