I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
