Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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