she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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