I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
