hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
