Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize