so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
