Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
