So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
