At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
