Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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