people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
