My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
